TWO YEARS CATCH-UP TO THE DAY. 5TH DECEMBER, 2013.

HELLO AGAIN...

Two years ago to the very day I posted my last blog.

I could not believe my eyes when I saw the date, 5th December, 2010.  I had been meaning to restart blogging and to have selected the very day after two years seemed serendipity!

I suppose a lot has happened in the last two years but I really cannot remember anything terribly important.   We carry on our wonderful lives on a Tuscan olive farm together with my ponies, doves, fish, chickens, etc., AC flies back and forth to London to work and oversee the complete renovation of our flat, and I eat and get fat in blissful ignorance of any problems in the outside world.   (Not quite true).

Long may it last!   I won't be getting fatter (I hope), having found a personal fitness trainer and the gym is finally paying for itself.   Lucia, a perfectly wonderful young lady with the flatest stomach I have ever met, comes to torture Susie Russell and myself twice a week.   Which reminds me, I must share this:

EMAIL FROM ELIZABETH TAYLOR:  (Not that one, this one is far prettier).


My wife bought me a week with a personal trainer at the local , very chic,  gym for my 40th birthday, so I thought I would share my diary for the week with you. My personal trainer is apparently a 26 year old aerobics instructor called Vanessa who models swimwear.

Monday

My day starts at 6 a.m.  and it’s hard to get going but everything changes when I get to the gym to find Vanessa waiting for me.
She looks like a Greek goddess, tall, blonde, blue eyes, incredible breasts and a big smile from amazingly full lips.
Vanessa shows me around the different machines and takes my pulse after five minutes on the static bike.
She is slightly alarmed at my pulse rate but I am sure it is entirely due to the way her lycra pants nestle between her buttocks!  I really enjoyed watching her give her aerobic class after finishing my inspirational day of exercise. Vanessa really motivated me by watching me do my abs even though my stomach hurts from pulling it in (my stomach) every time she walked past.

Tuesday

A strong coffee and off to the gym.

Vanessa makes me lift quite a heavy bar and then she even goes as far as to hang weights onto it.
My legs are a bit weakened by the treadmill but I manage to walk a whole kilometre!!!!  Vanessa’s approving smile and the conspiratorial wink made everything worthwhile.
I feel amazing…this is my new life!

Wednesday
The only way I can  wash my teeth is by putting my toothbrush on the side of the sink and moving my head from side to side on top of it.
I think I have herniated my pectorals.
Driving is not easy, just braking and turning the steering wheel is so painful that even my hair aches. I park on top of a motorbike.
Vanessa is a bit impatient with me.  She says my howls  are bothering  other members of the club.
In all truth, her voice is a bit screechy at this time of the morning. When she shouts she’s  bit nasal and v irritating.
 I cannot run on the treadmill  because my balls hurt so much so Vanessa makes me do steps instead and now my arse hurts too
She tells me she will help me get into shape and enjoy my life…another of her f’ing stupid promises.
Thursday

 Vanessa’s waiting for me with her vampire teeth and “joker” smile. I arrive half an hour late because that’s how long it took me to put my shoes on.
The bloody bitch makes me work on the rings but when she’s not looking I escape to hide in the men’s room.
She sends another trainer to find me and as a punishment I am put on a rowing machine…where of course I collapse.

Friday
I hate that f’ing bitch Vanessa more than anyone else I have ever hated on this planet.
Stupid anorexic, anemic , brainless bimbo.
If there was any part of my body which I could move without unbelievably awful pain, I would break every bone in her body…bloody cow!
She goes and tells me to move my Ticeps…”BUT I DON’T HAVE FUCKING TRICEPS”
Anyway if she doesn’t want me to collapse on the floor  she shouldn’t pass me  f’ing bars or anything else that weighs more than a sheet of paper.
I faint on the bicycle and wake up on a stretcher in the nutritionist’s office. A skinny ugly bitch who gives me the third degree on healthy eating…
So obvious that this cretin has not a single idea as to what it means to die of hunger…  Why couldn’t I have been left with a dress designer or a hair stylist?

Saturday
 She who cannot be named, leaves a message on my voice mail with her repugnant little voice asking why I haven’t gone to the gym.

Just listening to her makes me want to throw the phone at the wall but I haven’t  got enough energy to lift neither it nor the television remote which means I have been stuck here for the last 11 hours watching the f’ing National Geographic channel.

Sunday

Today I go to church to thank God that the week is over.  I kneel down and of course am unable to get up so I take the opportunity to beg  God to ensure that next year my wife gives me something really enjoyable for a present…a prostate transplant, colonoscope, catheterism, endodontia…whatever!






NOW YOU KNOW HOW I AM FEELING.


The summer was hotter than Hell after a terrible, wet spring and we have just experienced a long, warm, beautiful autumn which was recently punctuated by a mini cyclone.   Proof that it was windy....

Our pergola has been flattened!!!

Five minutes earlier I was inside rescuing the chairs and felt a chill creep over me as I imagined what could happen if the whole thing came down.   I walked into the kitchen and one hell of a gust picked the whole thing up and threw it into the field.   Looking at the stantions I found that they had only been buried into the earth by about two inches.   Bloody builders.   If you don't stand over them here they take the quickest and cheapest way out of a situation, but I suppose that is true the world over.

Today one would not know we had had any weather problems except that a few trees have been uprooted and piles of late foliage lie everywhere.   The lake is full of branches and the pigeons are just out of their loft after a week of winds they couldn't battle.   The sun is shining and there is not a breath of air.   Dashed cold though.   Still patches of white frost where the sun has yet not reached.

I went up to see the ponies to give them some of the grapes which were still mouldering on the vine and to check on their water for ice and they greeted me like a long lost friend as they could not drink from a frozen trough.

Several of us are nursing a hangover this morning as we went up to Cortona for dinner.   Christy and David Williams had invited me for dinner alone as AC was back in London.   Rowan Russell joined us and we went to dinner at the newly revamped Cory's.   On arriving we were told it was a "Magic
Evening"

They were right.   I will never forget it as long as I live.   Here are some images...



.

She reminded me of a magician we used to employ at the St. James's Club in London back in the 80's who was an ex-truckdriver who was a fella!   I think that is why I am looking at her skirt so closely!!!!

Anyway if anyone gets a chance to go to one of their evenings, for God's sake go.   You will never forget it.   Amazing tricks.

Today I wish I hadn't enjoyed myself so much and if David Williams is reading this, please do not let me order one of your Negronis EVER AGAIN!   Followed by white, red, Oh yes and a prosecco and apple liqueur to welcome us to the restaurant.

Serves me right but I did enjoy myself.    Which reminds me, it's lunch time and maybe a glass of red would make me feel better!!